How Acceptance & Commitment Therapy (ACT) Helps You Break Free from "Not Good Enough” Stories

Guest Post by Sarah Cosway (Cosway CBT)

That “Not Good Enough” Voice - You’re Not the Only One Hearing It

We all make mistakes, right? But have you ever stopped to notice how you speak to yourself when you do?

If you immediately tell yourself something along the lines of:

“Typical, I always screw things up”, or

“I’m just not smart enough”, or

“What’s the point? I’ll never be any good at this”,

this could be a sign of low self-esteem.

Experiencing low self-confidence and poor self-worth can feel incredibly isolating. But this isn’t just your story, it's the story that, sadly, so many people carry – for many of us, these aren’t just passing thoughts, they’re the soundtrack to our lives.

If you’ve been searching for a real self-esteem remedy, know that you are not alone! But what if we’re trying to solve the wrong problem? What if the real issue isn’t the thoughts themselves, but our relationship with them?

How and Why Low Self-Esteem Shows Up in Your Life

We might find that if we voiced to others the kind of thinking that plagues us, they would instinctively try to help us feel better. They might encourage us to argue against the perspective and prove to ourselves why those thoughts are wrong.

But how does that work out? Have you found that this actually helps, or does it only reinforce those negative thoughts and make them stronger? The problem is that these thoughts can feel 'sticky'—they seem like your truth, rather than just passing thoughts.

There are many reasons why this might be, but it’s not uncommon for low self-esteem to have roots in our childhood experiences. Often from internalising criticism from parents, teachers, or friends, or from making negative comparisons to others.

These early experiences can then show up in adulthood as key signs of low self-esteem and low self-worth:

• Harsh inner critic that constantly puts you down.

• Avoiding challenges out of a fear of failure.

• Seeking constant approval from others to feel valued.

• Feeling “less than” in social situations, even when you don’t need to.

Recognising these signs is an important first step, but understanding why these patterns persist—and why traditional methods often don’t address them—requires a different approach.

Rethinking Low Self-Esteem Treatment - Why ACT Offers a Fresh Approach to the Inner Critic

Many traditional therapy models, such as Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT), focus on challenging and replacing negative thoughts with more balanced or positive ones. As I mentioned earlier, this approach aligns with our natural instinct, making it seem like a logical solution. But some people find that it isn’t a terribly effective approach, and over time this can feel disempowering.

Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT) takes an alternative approach—it teaches us not to argue with our inner critic, but to change our relationship with it. Rather than challenging it, we unhook from it….stepping back and responding in a mindful, detached way, rather than getting swept up in the negativity of the thoughts, so instead of fighting against low self-worth, ACT encourages us to build a new relationship with our thoughts, and to stop treating them as a matter of fact.

When we automatically treat our thoughts as facts, this is called cognitive fusion. This means our thoughts become so entangled with our sense of self that we start believing them to be true, like the 'I’m not good enough' narrative.

The coping strategies that we employ might feel helpful in the moment, but they often only provide temporary relief without addressing the underlying issue. They can include:

• avoidance,  

• reassurance,  

• overcompensation,  

• people-pleasing,  

• perfectionism

  
  

But think about it, have these strategies ‘cured’ your low self-esteem over time, or are they a sticking plaster over the problem enabling you to get through your day, week, month, or year?

Cognitive Defusion - A New Way of Breaking Free from 'Not Good Enough' Thinking

If cognitive fusion is the thing keeping us stuck, then cognitive defusion is a tool to help us unstick. This tool helps us to step back from our inner critics, see them for what they really are (simply thoughts that our minds generate) and start to build a different relationship with them.

To highlight the importance of stepping back from our inner critic, I like to ask:

“If that’s you talking in your head, then who is it listening?”

If you can develop the skill of inhabiting the ‘listening’ space rather than the ‘talking’ space, then it lends itself to the opportunity of refocusing your attention – a bit like allowing commentary on a radio to drift into the background while you concentrate on the task in hand.

Below is an exercise you can use to try this out – don’t be deceived by its apparent simplicity, it can be extremely powerful!

• Say out loud the phrase “I’m not good enough”.

• Notice what that feels like and give it a rating out of 10 for how uncomfortable it feels (where 10/10 is the most uncomfortable).

• Now say out loud, “I’m having the thought that I’m not good enough”.

• Notice what that feels like and give it a rating out of 10 for how uncomfortable it feels (where 10/10 is the most uncomfortable).

• Now say out loud, “I’m noticing I’m having the thought that I’m not good enough”.

• Notice what that feels like and give it a rating out of 10 for how uncomfortable it feels (where 10/10 is the most uncomfortable).

  
  

How did they compare?

Did you notice any difference?

What’s happening to your relationship with the “I’m not good enough” thought as you work through the exercise?

This exercise allows you to observe your thoughts from a distance, rather than getting caught up in their grip. By changing the way you relate to them, you may find the discomfort around those thoughts lessens

This is the first step in breaking free from the grip of your inner critic. When we change our approach to move away from trying to delete the thoughts, to changing our relationship with them, it creates a little space for us to contemplate responding differently.

We don’t need to believe or disbelieve any particular thought to still be able to act in alignment with our values and what is important to us.

Embracing Yourself Despite the ‘Not Good Enough’ Story

So, as you have seen, this approach doesn’t seek to make the “not good enough” story vanish, and that is because the point is that it doesn’t need to.

We don’t have to be defined by our thoughts and beliefs.

We don’t have to wait until those thoughts disappear before we can show up and engage in life with a sense of purpose and meaning.

Real change doesn’t happen when we think that we finally believe we are enough. It happens when we act like it anyway, despite the stories that our minds tell us about ourselves.

We may never fully silence the “not good enough” voice in our heads, but that’s okay...we don’t need to. You don’t have to wait for your thoughts to be kind before you start living your life fully.

You are the one in control, and you get to choose how to show up for yourself and your life.

Sarah Cosway is a BABCP accredited Cognitive Behavioural Psychotherapist with over a decade of experience working in mental health both within the NHS and in private practice. She offers tailored CBT in a compassionate, collaborative environment, empowering clients to build resilience and manage their mental wellbeing with confidence.

https://www.coswaycbt.co.uk